so, one of the girls that i met in austrailia sent me this (its a cheesy forward, but oh well.) and it kind of makes sense.. especially now when i keep changing places and have no dea where i really want to go, or what i really wnat to do and what it all really means... (i'm not sure i'm suppose to figure out any of that)... but oh well. i guess i'll just let things flow and i'll figure out what i need ot sometime, right?

>What would you do if every time you fell in love with someone you had to say good-bye?
>What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
>What would you do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness?
>What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt?
>What would you do if you loved someone more than anything else and you could never have them?
>Some people live and some people die.
>But I want to tell you I love you and you are a true friend...
>That I will always be here for you when and if you need me...
>If I died tomorrow, you would be in my heart forever.
>Would I be in yours?
>>You might be best friends one year, pretty good friends the next year, don't talk that often the next year, and don't want to talk at all the year after that.
>So, I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life.
>I look up to you, respect you, and truly cherish you.
>>Let old friends know you haven't forgotten them, and tell new friends you never will.

so... today kind of went for good to bad and then probably back to good again, but its weird, and i'm weird... etc.
it started off ok, i guess... i'm already for some reason emotional and confused, but today it came to fruition and i got mean and vindictive for no particular reason at all... well no real reason.

i had to work in base today becuase i had a phone interview at 330... all i did all day was glue little sheets of paper to big sheets of paper. it was pretty boring.

the interview went ok... it was with some random-ass recruitment agency, so i think it was for enterprise-rent-a-car or something... nothing that iw oudl actually do in my life, but it was a good experience to interview with someone etc...

at dinner i was trying to talkt o gloria about the thing and no one was lettign me speak and it finally just got to the point where i got angry... and i just slouched in my chair and really didn't want to be around anyone anymore...

i kind of took ryan and matts keys then and left... they were pissed that they couldn't drive there car and i was just pissed... i ended up crying abotu how they just get on my nerves and everyone gets on my nerves and i don't knwo why i'm picked on so much...

ryan was pretty smart about the whole thing... he explained to me kind of how what i do has kind of creted a situation that provokes the excessive sarcasm and meaner-type comments that have finally taken their toll... it kind of goes back to soemthing that i have always know, but never really confronted and i'm amazed and surprised that he was able to read me as well as he could... (man i'm glad no one really reads this but me...) i'm super-critical... i have no idea where it came from, but its always been there... with my parents, my sisters, and pretty m uch all of my friends... i don't mean for comments to come out that way, but when i give my opinion it comes out slightly more demanding than it does in my head.... maybe some peopel are more sensitive than i expect them to be, but maybe i just dont totally think abo0tu what i'm saying.... and its smoehting that i guess i'm goign to have to be mroe aware about... like my 'like' usage and unusual affinity for ellisses... oopss there they were again... ... ...

bakc on the positive side of things... i watched a really stupid movie and we had a snowball fight! cuase there was SNOW!!! yeah!

still out in "scouting paradise" ... its pretty darn cool in the off season, i hike and don't see 80 million crews, the aspens around miranda were amazing when they changed colors, baldy has snow on it right now... i have walls that aren't canvas, my car is parked in a "good spot", the bartenders at the james know what my usual drink is, ryan king and i watch surivivor together, i play dominos at mark anderson's house, i took carrie anderson trick-or-treating to keith galloways house... its a totally different experience... and one that i'm glad that i had (even if it took my parents almost disowning me...)

its finally getting chilly out here... we had nice weather till about last week and now it gets to the 20s at night and the 50s during the day. not freezing, but fall mountain weather, i guess. its funny about NE Nm... people picture desert, but its much more like colorado then that... so its pretty beautiful... wildlife and snowy peaks and everythign... pretty good stuff...

an update on the job search:

i guess its better than you twiddling your thumbs every day not doing anything. working here is more like taht; the peopel are a blast and i enjoy hangign out with them, but the job is not at all mentally stimulating and i feel as though my brain is shrinking in size becuase of it.

don't know baout the summer... 75% of me would love to be here.. the other 25% drives me to apply for job after worthless job that is "related to my degree" but if the rejections keep coming and my self-esteem continues to plumment i'll still be here in june. (not that there is anythgin wrong witht aht... i would love to continue to know the ranch better...)

i've been searching pretty much every industry... i applied for a job at backpacker which i'm still hoping to hear from, and then i check out national geographic pretty frequently cause i think it would be awesome... i alternate daily between being content out here working a job that doesn't stimulate my brain so much to totally craving a city adn all its city -liek amenities... ehh. i'lll keep going with the flow though. it would really worry till i start hating it i guess...

we end nov 21st... we've already strawed about 140 acres and hope to hit at least 200 before you leave (quick reference... all last summer the whole ranch only did about 270 acres... so we are strawing like mad! but we still have an unjust amount of fun)... i'll go home till dec 26tth adn then i'm back for kanik... already bought my ski pass for angelfire! pretty excited...

philosophy from doug meffley...

"Forward doesn't matter so long as you are going
up. and I can think of no better way to go up than working in the mountains...."

i am so phenomenally bored, it is indescribable. i can't sleep past about 730 because we have to be up every weekday at 7am and cimarron is the smallest town in the world. there is no tv in my home. i read the magazine i have. i don't feel like reading a book (i have finished 3 in hte past week!) and i really have NO interest in job searching... i have sent out a TON of applications and everything, but all i get are rejections and none of the jobs are even interesting. and by not interesting, i mean they are more boring then cimarron on a sunday at 845 am.